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One of the tracts we give to people is called "101
Greatest One Liners." It's hilarious! Humor's
always a good way to break the ice, and if you
received a copy from us, we hope it gave you
a bunch of laughs. But we also hope the message
in the middle made sense to you, too. Here are
some more one liners we were able to come up
with. If you have one to share, click
here and
let us hear it!
A
sequel to “101 Greatest One-Liners”
Neatness
counts, but can it spell?
If the good Lord wanted us to go around
naked we would’ve been born that
way.
Our weatherman is so bad, he can’t even forecast yesterday’s
weather.
People who don’t believe in 'gosh' are 'darned' to 'heck.'
I’m not saying he’s old, but when he asked a psychic what he was
in a previous life, she told him he hasn’t had one yet.
Marriage is not just a word; it’s a sentence.
Earth First. (We’ll destroy all the other planets later.)
Never give advice. The wise don’t need it and fools don’t
heed it.
Did you hear the one about the uncoordinated gymnast who walked into a bar?
Don’t believe the Bible? Wow! I can’t believe you
read it!
Man is not complete until he’s married; then he’s
finished.
She’s a dyslexic agnostic insomniac: she stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog.
Why doesn’t Super Glue stick to the tube?
Junk Food: It’s only going to go to waist.
Why are the words “short” longer than “long”, and “tall” shorter
than “short”?
Politics: “Poly” means ‘many’ and “ticks” are ‘bloodsuckers’;
you figure it out.
If we send something by car it’s a “shipment,” but if we send
it by ship its “cargo.”
A woman cannot be fully dedicated until she’s married; then
she must be committed.
When God made woman, He put man into a deep sleep. Scripture never said He brought
him out of it.
No pain, No… wait – sign me up!
Yes officer, I know I was driving 90 miles an hour – but
I wasn’t
going to be driving for an hour.
Has anyone ever thought it was tough to get through English even
though it’s
thoroughly simple?
Your epidermis is showing.
I used to be quite apathetic, but now I just don’t care
for it.
Support bacteria – it’s the only culture some people
have.
I’m having de ja vu and amnesia here at the same time: I’m sure I’ve
forgotten this before!
My husband changed his mind
a dozen times – it still doesn’t
work.
I’d like to
be an optimist don’t
think it will work out
If vegetarians
eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians
eat?
It’s hard to make comeback
when you haven’t
been anywhere.
Celibacy: Pass it on to your
kids.
If the #2 pencil is the most
popular, why is it still just #2?
If we’re here to
help others, what
are the others here for?
Incontinence hotline:
Can you hold
please?
Two wrongs
don’t
make a right,
but three
rights make
a left.
Where
there’s
a will,
I want
to be
in it.
I
cantaloupe
with
you;
at
least, not
on
my celery.
Alaska: It may not be going
anywhere, but it’s got its Bering Straights.
I’m
not paranoid, but I know you think I am.
When
all is said and done more is said than done.
Hey,
just because I have a short attention span doesn't.
The
early bird may get the worm, thus the worm that
sleeps late, lives.
I think I think, therefore
I think I am.
You have just received the Amish
Computer Virus. Since the
Amish don't have computers,
it is
based on the
honor system. So please
delete
all the files from your
computer.
I started out
with nothing, and I
still have most of
it.
Growing old is mandatory,
growing up is optional.
If life gives
you lemons,
throw
them
at some one.
How do you
throw away
a
garbage
can?
Give
a man
a fish
and
you
feed
him
for a
day;
teach
him how
to fish
and he’ll
keep
hitting
you
up
for hooks,
bait
and a
ride
in your
boat every day.
I
guess it
bothers me
that what
doctors do
for a
living is
called “practicing
medicine.” How
much more practice
do they need?
If
toast always
lands butter-side
down, and
cats
always land
on their feet,
what happens
if you strap
toast on
the back
of a
cat
and drop
it?
Would
a fly
without
wings
be called
a "walk"?
Before
you
criticize
someone,
you
should
walk
a mile
in
their
shoes.
That
way,
when
you
criticize
them, you're
a
mile
away
and
you
have
their
shoes.
Never
argue
with
an
idiot.
They
drag
you
down
to
their
level
then
beat
you
with
experience.
I'm
accurate
90%
of
the
time,
so
why
worry
about
the
other
3%?
Repetition
is
so
redundant.
What’s the difference
between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know
and I don’t
care.
Ever
notice
that
plants
are
never
overweight?
It’s
because
they eat
light.
According
to
evolution,
a
completely
non-existing
universe
causeditself to come
into existence
with an
explosion that produced vast amounts of hydrogen,
and
after
billions
of
years,
on
one
of
quintillions
of
planets,
non-living
matter
gave
rise to
living
organisms
which
could
reproduce,
which
ultimately
gave
rise
to
intelligent
organisms
and mankind – all
by pure
chance
and
the
forces
of
nature. Conclusion: Hydrogen
is an
invisible,
odorless, tasteless
gas
that,
when
left
alone
long enough,
turns
into
people.
Ever
feel
like
life
is
a
tuxedo… and you’re
a pair
of
brown
shoes?
My
sister
fell
into
a
trance
while
staring
at
a
carton
of
orange
juice.
It
was
stamped
with
the
word “concentrate.”
It’s
tourist
season:
Where
do
I
get
my
license
to
hunt
them?
I
was
beside
myself
when
I
met
my
clone!
Why
are
they
called “Apartments” when
they’re
all
crammed
together?
If
firefighters
fight
fires,
and
crime-fighters
fight
crime,
what
do
freedom
fighters
fight?
My
calendar
isn’t
doing
so
well...
its
days
are
numbered.
There
are
two
kinds
of
people:
those
who
exist,
and
those
who
wish
they
did.
I
oink,
therefore
I
ham.
You
know
you
need
a
some
social
refinement
when,
every
time
you ‘shoot
yourself
in the
foot’,
you
take out
a
few
teeth
with
it.
It
was
so
cold
today
that
politicians
had
their
hands
in
their
own pockets!
I
drive
way
too
fast
to
worry
about
cholesterol.
Everyone
has
a
photographic
memory;
some
just
don’t
have
film.
Why
do
psychics
have
to
ask
you
your
name?
I
get
enough
exercise
just
pushing
my
luck.
Forget
about
world
peace.
.
.
Visualize
using
your
turn
signal.
I
almost
had
a
psychic
girlfriend
but
she
left
me
before
we
met.
I
used
to
be
schizophrenic,
but
we're
OK
now.
A
committee
is
a
group
that
keeps
minutes
and
loses
hours.
Why
do
they
put
Braille
dots
on
the
keypad
of
the
drive-up
ATM?
A
fool
and
his
money
are
soon
elected.
Why
is
it
that
when
you're
driving
and
looking
for
an
address,
you
turn
down
the
volume
on
the
radio?
I
used
to
have
a
handle
on
life,
but
it
broke off.
My
eyesight
is
so
bad,
my
eyeglass
prescription
needs
to
be
delivered
by
IV.
Time
heals
all
wounds,
except
for
your
belly
button.
How
do
they
get
deer
to
cross
at
that
yellow
road
sign?
An
apple
a
day
keeps
the
doctor
away.
An
onion
a
day
should
take
care
of
everyone
else.
All
of
us
could
take
a
lesson
from
the
weather.
It
pays
no
attention
to
criticism.
Why
did
kamikaze
pilots
wear
helmets?
You
know
you
are
getting
old
when
the
candles
cost
more
than
the
cake.
Someday
we'll
look
back
on
all
this
and...
plow
into
a
parked
car.
Does
the
name
Pavlov
ring
a
bell?
Am
I
ambivalent?
Well,
yes
and
no...
Who
are
these
kids
and
why
are
they
calling
me
'Mom'?
I
pretend
to
work.
After all, they
pretend
to
pay
me.
First things first – but
not necessarily in that order.
Lord
help
me
to
be
the
person
my
dog
thinks
I
am.
Warning:
Dates
in
Calendar
are
closer
than they appear. Those last two...
...are clever
but have a very serious point: We're all another
day closer to the final judgement.
We will
all stand before God (and not our pets). What will
God say to you? Will He say:
"Welcome! You accepted
my free gift of salvation through Jesus
Christ! You have been
faithful to me. You put me first in your
life."
...or will you hear Him say:
"Depart from me. I don't
know who you are. You claim to know me but
you never surrendered your life to me on
my terms. Someone has to die for your sins:
I offered you my son, but you didn't accept
his sacrifice! Now you must be punished,
rightfully so, for your sin."
There are no third alternatives.
No
second chances.
No first impressions after death.
Hell is eternal darkness, isolation,
and sorrow. It never ends.
God doesn't send anyone to
hell: They only get their because they chose
it -- by not choosing Jesus as their Lord.
He died to pay the price for your sins! Do
you understand that? Have you accepted
that?
To accept that, you simply
must express faith in Jesus...
* Express faith in your mind by believing in
Jesus, that he is the Son of God,
* Express faith in your heart by admitting
you're a sinner (no matter how good you may
think you are, and that your sin separates
you from God) and turn away from that kind
of life.
* Express faith through your will by confessing
that Jesus is the Son of God, and by letting
yourself be immersed (baptized) by someone,
symbolically joining Christ in his death, burial,
and resurrection!
We are saved by God's grace
-- it's a gift that we can only accept through
complete faith, and sustain by ongoing faith
("walking in faith"). God loves you too much
to let you die in your sins, but your eternal
destiny is your choice.
We would love to help you
in expressing your faith to God. Please
contact us if you have any questions, want
to talk, or need any gudiance!
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